Q:

 “I feel trapped in my body after trauma and find intimacy terrifying now. How do I heal and reclaim my sexuality without pressure or shame?”

A:

Hey love, first, thank you for being so brave and vulnerable. Just reaching out and saying this out loud is huge. I want you to know something right now: what you’re feeling—this sense of being stuck inside your own body, the fear that intimacy stirs—is completely normal and completely valid. Trauma shakes the foundation of who we are, how safe we feel, and how connected we feel to ourselves and others. It’s not your fault, and you are not broken.

I know it might feel like your body has betrayed you, like you’re trapped inside it, carrying memories and pain that won’t let go. That feeling can be terrifying and isolating. But here’s the important truth: your body is not your enemy. It’s your home. And it can become a safe, loving place again—at your pace, in your time, on your terms.

Why does this happen?

Trauma, especially the kind that shakes your sense of safety in the world or in relationships, doesn’t just live in your mind—it lives in your body. Your nervous system, which controls how safe or unsafe you feel, can get stuck in survival mode. This means you might be constantly on edge (fight or flight), or sometimes shut down and numb (freeze or dissociate). Both are your body’s way of trying to protect you when things felt too overwhelming to process.

Because of this, your body can feel like a cage, not a sanctuary. When intimacy comes up—something that requires trust, vulnerability, and safety—your nervous system might sound alarm bells instead. Suddenly what should feel loving or connecting feels dangerous or triggering.

This isn’t you failing. This is your nervous system trying to keep you safe with the tools it has.

So how do you start healing?

Healing doesn’t mean jumping back into things or “getting over it.” Healing means listening, being gentle, and giving yourself permission to move as slowly as you need. Here’s some real talk about how to begin:

1. Create safety everywhere you can.

Your nervous system needs to relearn what safety feels like. This might mean carving out quiet moments where you’re wrapped in your favourite blanket, lighting a candle, or playing music that makes your heart slow down. These small acts send your brain the message: “I’m here, I’m safe, I’ve got you.”

2. Reconnect with your body on your terms.

You don’t have to dive into touch or sex right now. You can start by just noticing how your breath feels. Place a hand on your heart or belly and feel the rise and fall. Move your body in ways that feel good—even if it’s just a tiny sway. These small, tender steps help your body remember it’s a safe place to be.

3. Honour your boundaries fiercely.

Saying no isn’t just okay—it’s necessary. You get to decide who touches you, when, and how. Setting boundaries teaches your nervous system it can relax because you’re in control. If someone doesn’t respect that, it’s not your fault.

4. Find a therapist who truly understands trauma.

Working with a trauma-informed therapist—someone who uses approaches like EMDR or somatic therapy—can be life-changing. They help your mind and body gently process what happened so the weight starts to lift. You don’t have to carry this burden alone.

5. Be your own kindest friend.

Trauma often brings shame with it—the toxic voice telling you you’re “broken” or “too much.” But those are lies trauma uses to keep you stuck. Try to talk to yourself like you would to your best friend: with patience, kindness, and unwavering love. Remind yourself daily: “I am worthy. I am healing. I am enough.”

6. Redefine what sexuality means for you now.

Sexuality is so much bigger than sex. It’s curiosity, pleasure, joy, connection—even just feeling alive in your body again. Maybe today that means reading a sensual poem, painting, or writing down what feels good or safe. There’s no rush or “should” here. You get to create your own definition, and that’s beautiful.

Healing is messy and nonlinear—and that’s okay

Some days your body will feel like your ally, other days it might feel like a stranger. That’s part of the process. Remember, every small step you take is a victory. You’re not broken—you’re brave. You’re not alone.

If you ever want to talk, ask questions, or just feel heard, Dear Dandy is here for you—no judgment, only love and support. You don’t have to carry this alone.

Big, big hugs,
Your Big Sister, Dandy

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