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    How To Get What You Need in The Bedroom: Communicating Your Kinks, Fetishes and Fantasies To Your Partner(s)

    Liv Surtees

    Useful Definitions For This Article:

    Before we dive right in, we thought we would take a moment to share a few definitions with you, not only so you better understand them, but so you also fully understand the differences between them since they will all be discussed as a collective throughout this article.

    Kinks (sexual) - Kink, or kinkiness, is the use of “unconventional” sexual practices that contrast or stand apart from the behaviours associated with "vanilla" sexual experiences.

    Fetishes (sexual) - Fetishes can be described as specific objects, areas of the body, or experiences that are psychologically necessary for sexual gratification.

    Fantasies (sexual) - A sexual fantasy can be described as either a mental image or scenario that creates feelings of arousal and sexually interests someone. 

    Ah, the wonderful world of sex! What happens in our bedrooms, (or wherever we like to get down and dirty!) is completely up to us and we can feel empowered exploring our sexuality in private spaces! However, whilst you may not feel the need to tell the world about your sex life, you do need to communicate what you like in the bedroom with the person or people you’re with to ensure you’re having the most fulfilling experience possible.

    For those with fetishes and kinks, of which an Ann Summer’s study found was an astonishing 75% of people, communicating what you need or desire can often feel intimidating or embarrassing.

    Whether you’re concerned about what your partner will say about your desires or you’re simply not sure how to communicate what you like in an effective way, this article is here to help you so that you can not only discuss your sexual desires more effectively with your partner(s), but you can get what you truly need from your sex life.

    Think of this as your guide to talking to your partner(s) about your kinks and fantasies - one step at a time we’re going to help you gain the confidence and communication skills you need to tell them what you need!



    First Thing’s First: Get Clear On The Fact That Having Kinks, Fetishes, and Fantasies Is Completely Normal


    The most important thing that you need to do, before you even think about communicating any desires with your partner, is understand, recognize, and truly understand that it is completely normal to have kinks, fetishes, and fantasies.

    Sexual desire isn’t a one-size-fits-all concept: what we desire in our sex lives is unique and when it comes to what turns us on, we all find different things alluring!

    There’s often a lot of shame surrounding kinks, most likely due to the lack of conversation surrounding both kinks specifically and sex in general. However, there really is nothing to be ashamed of: what consenting adults do is their own choice and since we’re all unique beings, it’s empowering to claim and celebrate what makes us feel good!

    Whilst you can certainly explore a kink, fetish, or fantasy with a partner(s) and build your confidence in knowing what you want alongside someone, it is important to understand from the offset that you recognise that your needs, desires, and wants are not only “normal”, but they deserve to be explored and celebrated too!



    How To Communicate What You Need in The Bedroom: 8 Steps Towards Sexual Fulfilment


    Start With Yourself: Get Clear On What You Like

      Whilst you may and will likely continue adding to your list of kinks, fetishes, or fantasies over time, if you do want to communicate your sexual desires with a partner(s), it’s a good idea to have a clear idea of what you want to tell them.

      For example, telling someone that you’re into BDSM isn’t exactly specific and they may misunderstand which aspects of BDSM you’re interested in. Instead, telling them that you’re into being dominated or trying shibari can help them understand exactly what it is that you like.

      So, try and get clear on what it is specifically that you like or think you would like so that you communicate these desires clearly!


      Not For Pillow Talk: Communicate Outside The Bedroom

        Once you’re clear on what you actually want to tell your partner(s), it’s time to talk to them! The anticipation of speaking to them might be incredibly nerve-wracking, but we promise, the anticipation is typically the worst part and once the lines of communication are opened, it will likely go much better than you imagine!

        There are a few things you can do to ensure that this conversation goes as smoothly as possible and one of the most important being that you should speak to your partner outside the bedroom.

        Although bringing this type of conversation up during pillow talk might seem great, it isn’t really going to be an effective conversation and your partner(s) may even feel like the sex you just had wasn’t to your liking, which is never good!

        So, speak to your partner(s) outside of the bedroom but make sure that teh space you decide to speak to them in is private and allows both you and your partner(s) to speak openly without any kind of hesitation or interruption.


        Be Kind With Your Words: It’s Not Diminishing The Sex You Already Have


          Although your partner(s) should always be on board for hearing your thoughts and understanding your needs without judgment, it’s understandable that you may be a little nervous that your partner may take you communicating your desires as discrediting what you already have together. It may be a good idea to tell your partner that you trust them and you want to be honest with them but that you already enjoy the sex life that you’ve built together. Make it clear that this isn’t something that suggests your sex life is bad, but rather something that could further make it even better! 

          Be Prepared To Answer Lots of Questions: Have Some Answers To Hand

            It’s completely normal and very likely that your partner(s) will want to ask you lots of questions about the kink, fetish, or fantasy that you have. In fact, you should encourage them to ask you questions so that the two of you can have a shared, deeper understanding of the desires you have.

            So, it’s a good idea that before you speak to them you have some answers to the questions they make ask! Think about what they might want to know and when they do ask you questions, be as open with your partner as possible in order to create a trusting and open line of communication surrounding your sexual needs as a partnership.


            Show Interest In Them Too: Ask Your Partner(s) About Their Desires

              Once you’ve opened up to your partner(s) about your sexual desires, it’s a great idea to ask them if they have any kinks, fetishes, or fantasies that they are looking to try and explore with you. Hopefully, the atmosphere that you will have created during this chat will allow them to feel supported enough to open up about what they want. 

              Although your partner(s) may not express any of their desires or they may simply not have specific kinks, fetishes, or fantasies, they may express desires that you’re eager to engage in and then it’s a win-win!


              They Might Not Be Into It: Don’t Expect Anything!

                It’s incredibly important to say that whilst your partner(s) might be turned on, super excited about, and definitely eager to explore your kinks, fetishes, or fantasies together, equally, they may not. You can’t expect anything from your partner and you definitely cannot make them feel bad for not wanting to move forward and engage with the desires you have.

                After all, sexual desire is unique and your partner(s) might just simply not be into what you want to try or they might actually completely oppose it. 

                However your partner responds, you cannot expect anything - they don’t owe you.


                Moving Forward: Practice Explicit Consent, Always

                  If you and your partner(s) have decided to give your kink/fetish/fantasy a go and you have decided to move forward with exploring it, the most important thing to do is practice explicit consent! 

                  Sexual activity with consent is sexual activity, but sexual activity without consent, or with coercion, is assault. Whenever you are engaging in any type of sexual activity you need to practice explicit consent. This is particularly important when you are exploring new kinks, fetishes, or fantasies since there is an element of trialling something out!

                  Talk openly and at length about what you’re going to do together, agree on what that’s going to mean, establish a safeword, and discuss concerns either of you may have beforehand. Then, during sex, keep communication open and check in with each other.


                  Keep A Constant Conversation Going About Your Sex Life

                    In any sexual relationship, it’s important to maintain an honest, clear, and open line of communication and this is even more important when exploring new sexual desires with someone! So, make sure that you continue to keep a constant and consistent conversation about your sex life going with your partner(s)!


                    Have Fun Exploring, Be Safe, and Communicate Clearly!


                    Sex is absolutely glorious and we all deserve to experience sexual pleasure in our lives. So, speak up about what you desire in your sex life and have fun exploring your sensuality in a safe, honest, and open manner!

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